Arnold Schwarzenegger stands apart.
History groups him in with the action heroes of the '70s, '80s, and '90s, but the Austrian bodybuilder-turned-movie-star does more than pick up a gun and fill space. He's a natural performer. Off the screen, a life captured in the 1977 documentary Pumping Iron, Schwarzenegger is a charismatic showman with an intellect as mighty as his physical presence. A screenwriter couldn't write the wit that pours out of Schwarzenegger's mouth (evidence: his comparison of weightlifting and sexual intercourse). When Hollywood plucked the Mr. Universe champion to fill larger-than-life roles, they unknowingly recruited a nuanced performer. More than Sylvester Stallone or Jean-Claude Van Damme, Schwarzenegger could dig his way into a dramatic arc. He could cut through his thick accent and land a joke in English. He could sell those phony romantic scenes that try to give purpose to all the unadulterated machismo and gun-toting nonsense. Schwarzenegger made shlock material into real movies, blank scripts into personal vehicles. He was, is, the real deal.
This week, Schwarzenegger appears in his 33rd feature film, Terminator Genisys, the continuation of one of his few franchises. He's a legacy player, but as his T-800 character says in the film, "Old, but not obsolete." To pay tribute to this unlikely career, we present his full filmography, ranked for historical reference. A few notes: We did not include documentary appearances (no Pumping Iron), TV movies (but someone send us a copy of The Jayne Mansfield Story, please) or anything we deemed "a cameo" (sorry Scavenger Hunt, Around the World in 80 Days, The Long Goodbye, and the first Expendables). Everything else was in play. Now let's get to the choppah:
33. Jingle All the Way (1996)
Schwarzenegger plays a dad who will stop at nothing to get his son (the recently arrested Star Wars actor Jake Lloyd) a Turbo Man action figure. This soulless Christmas movie incorrectly assumes that if a guy is larger than normal, his destiny is to flop around, pratfall, and destroy the world around him. Clearly, the producers behind Jingle All the Way forgot to watch Schwarzenegger's other movies. His comedic style involves timing, awareness. He's sharp—or, at least, capable of more than a cheap reindeer-punching gag. If only Kevin James had been around to save him.
32. The Expendables 2 (2012)
Schwarzenegger plays a shade of his former self in a role expanded from a nostalgia-baiting cameo in the first movie. For reasons that can only be explained with unknown salary numbers, Schwarzenegger joined Sylvester Stallone for an Expendables sequel that didn't have room to accommodate him. He's given a little more dialogue, scenes of actual gunplay (a.k.a. why anyone watching is there), but director Simon West still bounces him around like an action figure through a G.I. Joe playset. An actual eight-year-old would have brought more imagination.
31. Red Sonja (1985)
Schwarzenegger plays Kalidor (who is definitely not Conan the Barbarian, OK lawyers?), a nondescript Lord type. He's around just to give the starless Conan riff a name on the poster. As Red Sonja runs down its focus group-approved fantasy tropes, it never cracks its new heroine or Schwarzenegger's shooting schedule. He disappears for half the movie, only to return for the film's shining moment: a duel between Sonja and Kalidor where the innuendos sting like cuts of the blade. All goodwill disappears the minute Prince Tarn, the movie's version of Shortround, shows up.
30. Collateral Damage (2002)
Schwarzenegger plays a father on the hunt for the terrorists who murdered his wife and child. Even if Collateral Damage wasn't shifted from its original 2001 release date—producers decided releasing a movie about attacks on American grounds may not play well a month after 9/11—its clunky mechanics were enough to damn it to Walmart's $2.99 bin. This was the end of the prime Schwarzenegger era, direct-to-DVD fodder with a studio marketing budget. Jungle chases and ax-throwing kills can satisfy, but Collateral Damage doesn't soup it up with style. Straight from the conveyor belt to Sunday afternoon on TNT.
29. End of Days (1999)
Schwarzenegger plays Jericho Cane, a cop whose parents must have been Christian rock groupies. End of Days suffers from missed potential. Schwarzenegger duking it out with the Devil? That's the grudge match of the century, but 1999 technology doesn't do it justice. There is a lot of theology-baked mumbo jumbo bogging down End of Days. And it's unnecessarily creepy; turns out, Satan (Gabriel Bryne) really just wants to screw a nubile he's had his eye on since she was a baby. Creepy. Aside from a scene where Schwarzenegger grapples with a demon, this Y2K paranoia drama can't do itself justice.
28. Batman & Robin (1997)
Schwarzenegger plays Mr. Freeze, the coolest Batman villain of all time. Everyone needs to chill out over this one; Cirque du Soleil staging and Bat-nipples steered this comic book franchise down a regretful path, but Schwarzenegger gets it. He's Caesar Romero from the 1966 Batman, with a pun game that would make Oscar Wilde beg for mercy. He wears a hulking suit designed for Happy Meal toys and owns it. If he took his Freeze shtick on an arena tour, we'd all be throwing down $100 to see this madness live. If only everyone else was in on the joke. George Clooney is not a fan of those nipples.
27. Raw Deal (1986)
Schwarzenegger plays a small-town lawman who, the movie insists, has enough swagger and smarts to infiltrate and implode a sprawling criminal organization. Suspension of disbelief is required. Raw Deal is middle-grade Schwarzenegger, tailored with shootouts and covert-ops roughnecking. More than any of his vehicles, the film is an excuse to watch the muscle-laden actor send faceless suits to their graves. There's an extended sequence set to the Rolling Stones' "Satisfaction" where Schwarzenegger gleefully guns down mobsters as he skids around a gravel pit. It's Donnie Brasco for the shooting-gallery clientele.
26. Junior (1994)
Schwarzenegger plays a geneticist desperate to test his new fertility drug. So he takes one for the team. The second of Danny DeVito and Schwarzenegger's comedies, Junior goes all in on the "what if?" It's two hours of estrogen-fueled gags and the big man's sensitive side. Very hormonal. Reasonably funny. Schwarzenegger dreaming of life with his future child is actually quite touching. His line reading of "my nipples are very sensitive" is the opposite of that.
25. The 6th Day (2000)
Schwarzenegger plays a helicopter pilot... of the future! Set in a world of cloning and laser blasters, The 6th Day is hard sci-fi for the Sunday-hangover crowd. With a twisting plot that unfolds like Philip K. Dick through a meat grinder and special-effect animation that would barely pass on the Sega Genesis, the movie exists solely to team Schwarzenegger up with himself. It's no Dead Ringers—the audience sits through 90 minutes of standard-issued chase scenes and raised Arnie eyebrows before the big reveal—but even a taste of Schwarzenegger swooping in and saving Schwarzenegger validates 6th Day.
24. Stay Hungry (1976)
Schwarzenegger plays a bodybuilder warding off Jeff Bridges' real-estate scion, who wants to demolish the local gym and raise a skyscraper. One of the actor's rare dramas, Stay Hungry is a novelistic character study that luxuriates in a glowing Southern setting. The movie pours on nostalgia by the bucketful, recalling unexpected friendships and hot and heavy summer romances. Very little happens, but what goes down is quirky to the extreme. Schwarzenegger performs in a Mr. Universe show. Bridges fights a drugged-up, weight-chucking misogynist. Everyone confronts legacy racism. Hugs abound.
23. Conan the Destroyer (1984)
Schwarzenegger plays the legendary Barbarian King a second time. With the spirit of a 14-year-old Dungeonsmaster, Conan slices his way through another sword-and-sorcery adventure, complete with evil wizards and giant puppet monsters. The movie's missing the light heart to match—Schwarzenegger's still in tortured-warrior mode and Grace Jones, as the rescued warrior Zula, is equally laser-focused. A wily gang of bandit costars is basically there to make the star look bigger.
22. Hercules in New York (1969)
Schwarzenegger plays the legendary strongman, who beams down to the Big Apple for a kind of Greek God Rumspringa. Hercules was Schwarzenegger's first acting role—if flexing, smiling, and walking around Manhattan as an ensemble of local menches gawked counted as "acting." It's a C-grade riff on Woody Allen's comedic style that offers dopey charm. Schwarzenegger hates it—he once recommended Guantanamo Bay guards screen the movie instead of waterboarding terrorists—but, hey, we can't deny the laughs.
21. Terminator Genisys (2015)
Schwarzenegger plays his original T-800 robot in a new timeline, providing a basis of logic for his graying air and aging human-tissue exterior. Nonsense title aside, the latest Terminator installment plays as a soft reboot, reimagining scenes from the original with new and old faces. Schwarzenegger remains a stoic bodyguard, handing the film over to Emilia Clarke's fresh-faced Sarah Connor (amazing) and Jai Courtney's bumbling Kyle Reese (yikes). Together they go through the motions of taking down a new Skynet, try to explain headache-inducing time-travel rules, and crack some jokes that remind us why we love Schwarzenegger. Not a reinvigoration, but not the franchise apocalypse many feared.
20. The Villain (1979)
Schwarzenegger plays the cartoonish sheriff "Handsome Stranger." Emphasis on cartoonish—the film, directed by stuntman Hal Needham, is like a living Rocky & Bullwinkle short. Schwarzengger spends most the movie acting as a human shield for the lusting Charming Jones (Ann-Margret). Kirk Douglas' Cactus Jack is the real star, an accident-prone Snidley Whiplash-type. Much funnier than the setup lets on.
19. Red Heat (1988)
Schwarzenegger plays a Russian police captain who jumps the Pacific to solve a crime in Chicago. 48 Hrs director Walter Hill is one of the few action mavens who could smash buddy comedy with fish-out-of-water wacka wacka comedy and come out with a half-tolerable picture. He does so by pairing Schwarzenegger with James Belushi, of all people. While the duo cruises around the Chicago streets squeezing plenty of "In Russia..." goofs between bad guy-busting, Hill gives Schwarzenegger a chance to fire back. The Americans may be a little too ignorant for their own good. We all win and lose in Red Heat.
18. The Expendables 3 (2014)
Schwarzenegger plays his cigar-chomping gunman Trench once again, this time revealing himself to be romantically involved with Jet Li's Yin Yang. The welcome shocker is a button on the best entry in the misguided trilogy. In Expendables 3, there's expansive action, real stakes, and criss-crossing perspectives that give each character a chance to do something. A revelation when it comes to Expendables. Sylvester Stallone's fight with Mel Gibson is a highlight, but Schwarzenegger's around enough in the finale's full-blown war to put him on the leader board.
17. Maggie (2015)
Schwarzenegger plays a dad coping with his daughter's devolution into a brain-eating zombie. Touted as the actor's first indie movie, Maggie is... very indie. Between explanations of undead medical conditions there's stillness, muted colors, and weeping. Schwarzenegger never picks up a gun. He watches his daughter decay. He searches for solutions. He grieves. And he's good at it. Grizzlier than ever, Schwarzenegger takes 90 minutes to have a good cry.
16. Twins (1988)
Schwarzenegger plays Danny DeVito's lost relative. But they look totally different! Funny. What's funnier is how Twins acutely understands the way personality stems from physical self. Schwarzenegger discovers his gentle-giant side as a man rescuing his grimy, conniving brother from a life of shady business. DeVito's Vincent needs compassion. Schwarzenegger's Julius needs street smarts. When they join forces to find their estranged mother, it's road-movie gold. Clearly, there was something in 1988's water; a week after Twins, Rain Man hit theaters, and the two couldn't feel more in tune.
15. Sabotage (2014)
Schwarzenegger plays the DEA version of Denzel Washington in Training Day. Ten Little Indians-meets-Unusual Suspects for the nü-metal crowd, David Ayer's whodunnit is chockfull of aggressive, unlikable people behaving at their absolute worst. Those who can swallow its hot-headed banter and tactical action will find Schwarzenegger at his darkest. In Collateral Damage, terrorists kill his character's family and he comes off a little miffed. Ayer pokes Schwarzenegger until he's bloodthirsty. It's a rough and rewarding departure.
14. Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines (2003)
Schwarzenegger plays his T-800 Terminator robot upgraded with a nuclear battery so he can fight the T-X, a shapeshifting ladybot. Even more his revival in T2, there was a thrill in seeing Schwarzenegger resume his position as John Connor's protector. The movie's practical car chases and minigun shootouts keep it from dating. There's a tremendous amount of boom in Terminator 3. Nick Stahl, Claire Danes, and Schwarzenegger are determined to keep what little character is written around it afloat. And the movie deserves serious bonus points for its ending, a fatalist determination that, no matter how hard our heroes try, Judgment Day is inevitable. Cue more booms.
13. Escape Plan (2013)
Schwarzenegger plays an inmate at the most secure prison on the planet with the fortitude to break out. This was the "classic action stars team-up" people wanted out of Expendables. With the spirit of a Roger Corman or John Carpenter B-movie, Schwarzenegger and Stallone band together to pull off the greatest escape of all time. And they don't even have to rely on the size of their respective junks to do it.
12. The Last Stand (2013)
Schwarzenegger plays a bordertown cop, the only thing standing between an escaped drug lord and his freedom. In The Last Stand, Korean director Kim Jee-Woon imagines his actor as cowboy cut from Sam Peckinpah's modern Western cloth. It's no Wild Bunch, though the rootin' tootin' flavor is there. This was Schwarzenegger's post-gubernatorial comeback and he embraces his age like few action contemporaries do, playing a fatherly figure to a ragtag team of law enforcers. A father who will bare-knuckle brawl a guy to keep him from crossing into Mexico, but still, a father.
11. The Running Man (1987)
Schwarzenegger plays a contestant in the deadliest game show since Supermarket Sweep. Not quite the biting satire it should be, the Stephen King (excuse me, Richard Bachman) adaptation continues to predict impending doom for our reality TV-obsessed culture. Audiences are quick to sentence Schwarzenegger, wrongly accused of gunning down civilians, to death by Running Man, a deadly spin on American Gladiators hosted by Family Feud's Richard Dawson. The Running Man is glorified, trippy-as-hell professional wrestling (the bad guys even have names like "Subzero" and "Buzzsaw"). Enjoying it might make us part of the problem.
10. Eraser (1996)
Schwarzenegger plays a U.S. Marshal who "erases" witnesses (i.e. fakes their deaths) to ensure they show up to court in one piece. "Simple" doesn't have to be a pejorative. Directors like Alfred Hitchcock or John Frankenheimer burrowed into simple premises and followed a trail of instincts. Where would a character go on the lam? What would they do? Eraser winds Schwarzenegger up and follows an undetermined path. He'll expose a conspiracy or die trying. There are goofy missteps; the Eraser's current asset is a defense contractor (Vanessa L. Williams) ready to snitch on her company's super-powered rail gun, a strange sci-fi detail in an otherwise reality-based thriller. Oh, and there's a crocodile attack scene. Just because. But Eraser always propels forward. Schwarzenegger and Williams have chemistry. Their adversary, James Caan, is a total a-hole. The parts are in place, so the movie flies.
9. Kindergarten Cop (1990)
Schwarzenegger plays John Kimble, detective-turned-substitute teacher. Everything Jingle All the Way takes for granted, Kindergarten Cop nails. Ghostbusters director Ivan Reitman drops Schwarzenegger, a definition of masculinity, into a war zone where he can't clobber anything. The actor still scrutinizes, scowls, and snarls—Schwarzenegger has a puddy face up there with Jim Carrey, honestly—but in a kindergarten room, Reitman creates juxtapositional joy. Lurking in orbit are real terrors, abusive fathers and murderous drug dealers. Schwarzenegger can't kill them either. Kindergarten Cop is about men learning to be men.
8. Last Action Hero (1993)
Schwarzenegger plays a fictional blockbuster hero who pops offscreen to fight bad guys in real life. Basically, every kid's dream. Last Action Hero arrived at that miracle time when a PG-13 bridged a gap for young and old audiences. The movie is a love letter to action cinema molded with that Steven Spielberg/Amblin Entertainment legacy—instead of E.T., little Danny gets Schwarzenegger with an Uzi. It's also dangerous. Bullets fly. Schwarzenegger bleeds. Explosions 'slode. Last Action Hero is like a stuntman's Who Framed Roger Rabbit?, complete with a nightmare-inducing villain a.k.a. Tom Noonan's razor-toothed Ripper.
7. Conan the Barbarian (1982)
Schwarzenegger plays Robert E. Howard's Cimmerian hero in his early days. Game of Thrones learned a lesson or two from John Milius' fantasy film. Conan mixes pulpy bloodshed with political intrigue, anarchical terror pumping through its veins courtesy of screenwriter Oliver Stone. There are fantasy elements—James Earl Jones' wizard villain Thulsa Doom has the power to become a snake—dressed without frills. It's the story of a boy who grows to become king by slashing his way through the fires of hell. Schwarzenegger doesn't have to do much to summon Conan's primal energy.
6. Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991)
Schwarzenegger plays a reprogrammed T-100 bot whose sole mission is to "pra-tacht Jahn Cahn-nah!" James Cameron's sci-fi sequel was, and continues to be, regarded as one of the greatest action movies ever made. We'll concur. Team John Connor's many escapes from the poly-alloyed T-1000 are the fusion of dynamic photography and resilient special effects. Schwarzenegger returns with a sense of humor chip, wielding a shotgun like it's his right arm. Reframing Sarah Connor as a tortured G.I. Jane is an inspired move, all the more fulfilling when she escapes from the loony bin and plots the demise of Skynet. It's really T2's drifting design that keeps it out of the top tier. Not much happens, emulating the original with more, more, more. If we lived in Los Angeles, maybe we'd fall harder for its scenic flood-control channel shots.
5. Total Recall (1990)
Schwarzenegger plays a blue collar worker who dreams of being a super-spy on Mars... only to discover that he is a super-spy from Mars! Paul Verhoeven runs wild with Phillip K. Dick's source material, spinning an Arnie in Wonderland story that takes right-degree turns at ever opportunity. Total Recall is dense. The machine that can implant dreams raises enough questions about technology and our spirits (and certainly was enough for the awful 2012 remake). That's all before we get to Mars, a thriving alternate universe with mutants, alien artifacts, and corporate conspiracies. Catnip for anyone with nerd in their DNA and an automatic top-10 entry for bulging Schwarzenegger's already-elastic face with prosthetic eyes and nose.
4. True Lies (1994)
Schwarzenegger plays a traveling computer salesman. Or does he? He doesn't. He plays a spy—and his wife finds out the hard way. Cameron's non-Terminator team-up with Arnie is also his most grounded work, a rom-com for the James Bond crowd. True Lies was the first movie to demand a $100 million budget. That's apparent. The shootouts are elegant and expansive, chase scenes unfold across leveled tiers, and Cameron launches a frickin' nuke... in the background of a kiss. True Lies is a gem because it swings between the grand and intimate. Schwarzenegger handles both with extreme care. He's a debonaire spy and, when he's overstepping his bounds as a distant husband, a forgivable dick. Jamie Lee Curtis makes for a great foil, seduced by adventure and totally up for the task when the cards are on the table. Can we say that her lap dance scene is to die for? We said it. True Lies goes big in every way. And surprisingly, it's always the right move.
3. Predator (1987)
Schwarzenegger plays a soldier who's happy to rescue his downed military pals as long as there aren't any cloaked aliens running amok in the jungle. Whoops. There are cloaked aliens running amok in the jungle. And they're slicing necks. Predator is Schwarzenegger's Heart of Darkness, a descent into madness and climb to man's physical peak. At first, director John McTiernan's camera is the only hunter, picking off Schwarzenegger's men like a first-person Jaws. The reveals escalate. The Predator, dreadlocked and masked, comes out of the shadows. Men die. Schwarzenegger stands alone, caked in mud and run dry by jungle heat. The ensuing battle is brutal. Bring an oxygen tank for Predator.
2. The Terminator (1984)
Schwarzenegger plays the T-800 in villain mode. His work in the film is right up there with Michael Myers and the other legendary horror-movie slashers—relentless, stone-faced, and deadly. Terminator is a gory movie. Innocents die left and right. The guns are big and Schwarzenegger's guns are bigger. Cameron positions the film for maximum dread. When we meet Sarah Connor, she's just another girl. It's only through a TV set that we know she's the target, other "Sarah Connors" dying one by one across Los Angeles. The time travel is a necessary evil to help Skynet and a nuclear holocaust loom in the background. Kyle Reese isn't a savior, he's just a fighter standing between Sarah and the killer machine. It's terrifying, singular.
1. Commando (1985)
Schwarzenegger plays Col. John Matrix, the man who invented ass-kicking. Commando is the actor boiled down to his basic components. Matrix is strong, sly, wide enough to mount a rocket launcher on his shoulder, and constantly on "one more mission." The one-man military's so adept at sniping, knife-throwing, and plunging piping into bad guy's abdomens that Commando almost plays like a comedy. It's self-aware–how crazy can one action movie go? Even the confines of plot can't hold Matrix back; at first, we think terrorists will force him to assassinate a South American politician. But two seconds into his trip, Matrix snaps the neck of his captor and zips off to save his kidnapped daughter. The countdown clock, the array of settings—everywhere from a mall to a remote island hideout—and Matrix's rotating weapon arsenal are the tools director Mark Lester needed to chisel an iconic feature. This is what we talk about when we talk about Arnold Schwarzenegger.
